Dear Mr. Car Seat Thief

September 10, 2015


Dear Person Who Stole My Car Seats Last Night –

While I don’t know exactly what time between 8:30 last night and 6:30 this morning you decided to ‘relieve’ me of my third-row car seats in my GMC Yukon, I do know that you were probably somewhat alarmed to see that you got more than you bargained for, what with the ground-in fruit snacks that look like Paint Blobs Gone Rogue and the 4th-grade math homework sheets.  Did you take a moment to check my daughter’s work and make sure she got all the answers right?

I will say that our daughter’s eyes were a bit large when she gathered everything for school this morning, only to find that she couldn’t find her math pages …

only to remember that she had done those pages in the car on the way to church last night …

only to realize that the fact that they are no longer in the car means that you inadvertently stole them when you stole the seats because of the way you had to fold the seats over to remove them to steal them …

only to have a moment of panic that “Oh, Mama, Mrs. Patterson is never going to believe me that thieves stole my math homework.”

Mrs. Patterson will, of course, believe her because (a) she’s awesome and general knows what’s really going on at all times (b) my daughter doesn’t lie (c) who on earth could make up a story like that, let alone expect to be believed?!

Mrs. Patterson is the greatest 4th grade teacher ever at one of the greatest schools ever, and she is as lovingly devoted to nurturing her students’ character as she is their knowledge of simple vs. compound subjects and predicates and the difference between a trapezoid and a rhombus.

Maybe if you’d had a Mrs. Patterson – a loving, dedicated adult leader / teacher in your life, you’d be out figuring out how to be honorable in your business and live an honest life instead of sneaking around other people’s driveways, breaking into their cars and stealing something that you didn’t work for, pay for, or earn.

Of course, you’re of legal age now – can’t really call you a grown-up, you understand – and so whether or not you had a Mrs. Patterson is immaterial.  You took what you did not work for.  Including several completed sheets of 4th grade math.

I hope you meet a Mrs. Patterson one day.  And I hope she teaches you a whole lot more than just the difference between an arachnid and a toad … including maybe how not to behave like one.

Good luck with all that … including the fruit snack paint blobs.  They should really get you top dollar.

The Person Whose Back Seats You Stole … in the name of the One who knows who you are



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